We ask these things in the name of the Mayor, the Aldermen, and St.
Most of all, Blessed One, we beg, grovel and beseech you to appear at Springfield and intercede for us with the Illinois State Legislature to look upon us with forgiveness and grace and to bestow upon the Chicago Transit Authority the $50 million it needs to continue to provide us with public transit so we don’t actually have to use the infernal freeway which You have graced with Your presence just to get to the Loop.
OUR LADY OF THE UNDERPASS DRIVERS
We ask you to move the hearts of truck drivers and inspire them to read the height restrictions on the overpass before they try to drive beneath it. We implore you to bring enlightenment and understanding upon the people of the land, to bring commuters into the light so that they the way to the train station, and to awaken the hearts of the bicycle cultists to the knowledge that stop signs and one-way streets apply to everyone and not just cars. We beseech you intervene on our behalf with those who would use our little neighborhood as a shortcut to avoid the stoplight at Fullerton on their way to the expressway, and liberate us from the pestilence of their honking, speeding SUVs in the early morning hours.
OUR LADY OF THE UNDERPASS FREE
We ask your blessing upon this season, and plead with you to keep us safe and free of road construction. The people of Bucktown and Logan Square humbly thank you for the gift of Your grace and Your presence at our humble underpass. Holy Mary of the Kennedy Expressway, Mother of Road Rage, Our Lady of Perpetual Slow Motion, Guardian Protector of Crotch Rocket Sport Cycles Who Weave Through Traffic, Blessed Virgin of the Underpass, Holy Mother of Carbon Monoxide, Our Lady of Shouted Cell Phone Arguments, Morning Star of the Rush Hour Pile-Up, Mediatrix of News Helicopters, Advocate for the Shopping Cart Refugees Who Seek Shelter from the Rain, Comforter of the Carpooling, Divine Intercessor of Interstate Trucking, Our Lady of Lane Changes, Blessed Virgin of Morning Talk Radio, Ever-Virgin of the Orange Barrels, Sacred Mother of the Delayed, Angel of the Annoyed, Binder of the Wounds of the Late for Work, Hear our Prayer.
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